Being a Parent – 2
Choosing your battles:
It is impossible to change a wide range of behaviours all at once. Choose 1 or 2 behaviours that you consider a priority. I believe behaviours which involve safety take precedence. This may include the following:
- Pushing fingers into plugs
- Opening a seatbelt while the car is in motion
- Running away from parents with a total disregard for traffic
- Throwing objects at others
- Hurting younger siblings or other family members
Specify the particular behaviour you want to change eg “I want you to hold my hand when we cross the road”. Make sure your child understands what is being requested. Choose short, simple sentences.
It is unhelpful to generalize eg “I want you to be safe”! “You need to be good”, “Stop being naughty”. These words can be interpreted differently and are likely to result in frustration, misunderstanding and conflict.
Remember that changing a behaviour requires practice and consistency. Reward even slight progress with words of encouragement, smiles and/or hugs.
Choices
I believe learning to make choices is an essential life skill. Some children require a longer period of time to make a decision – that’s ok. Give them processing time.
Initially I suggest giving a choice of 2 options “Would you like an orange or an apple?” “Do you want a bath or a shower?” As the child becomes adept at making decisions I would increase the possibilities slowly, but still limit the options and ensure that the child is not feeling overwhelmed.
Children sometimes opt for choices that will please their parent rather than stating their preference. This is to be discouraged.
Pocket money vs money for chores
According to some experts we are in the process of moving towards a cashless society. Not the best idea in my humble view as sooo many people are ‘maxing out’ their range of credit cards and using apps such as Afterpay – oblivious to the amount of money they have squandered.
Nonetheless, while we still have cash it is handy for a tooth fairy or tooth mouse to leave a small ‘offering’ when a child’s tooth ‘disappears’. In addition lessons can be taught re managing money including calculating payments and ensuring the correct amount of change.
I differentiate between pocket money and money for chores
Pocket Money
Pocket money provides valuable lessons re learning to save.
I was given a small amount of money each week from the age of seven. In my notebook i recorded the date, the amount I received as well as the total I had acquired thus far. I was reluctant to spend my money for a period of time. I subsequently espied a toy I was keen to have, and was disappointed to learn that I had insufficient funds to purchase this item.
My parents and I then devised a plan – when I had saved half the money required for the object they would pay the other half. I was elated and ensured that I acquired my treasure a few months later and looked after it well.
It is my belief that we appreciate an item bought considerably more when we have contributed to the cost. This technique also taught me a valuable life lesson in learning to wait!
Chores
As a member of a household it is important that each person participates actively and contributes by completing a few chores/tasks from which everyone benefits.
I suggest making a list of all the household tasks. Each child is then invited to choose 2-3 items. Ensure that the chore selected is developmentally appropriate. Then decide on a time frame for completion of each item and reward with thanks, smiles and hugs. Please do not pay or buy the child a reward each time a chore has been completed!
Tasks which are more complex, and occur spasmodically, such as mowing the lawn and washing the family car are separate from daily and weekly chores and money may certainly be earned for completing these tasks.
Children and adolescents are extremely manipulative and many avoid chores. I often hear the following: “if I leave it long enough my mum/dad will do it”! Unfortunately all too often correct!
Try not to nag as this will increase frustration and is unlikely to result in a positive outcome. Stay matter of fact – “You chose to empty the dishwasher each morning, I want you to please go and empty it now!” Don’t accept ifs, buts or promises to do it later. If necessary compromise – “I will help you” – but ensure that you do the minimum.
I often hear parents say – “I hate having to ask each time, I wish they would volunteer”. It is the exceptional child who offers to undertake tasks. Persevere, continue to remind the child at the appropriate time to ensure that everyone completes their chosen tasks. There is no perfection – accept a reasonable outcome!
Indulging Your Child
It is certainly important to provide love, shelter, healthy nutrition, toys, books and, in today’s world, technological devices. There are, however, parents who sometimes indulge their child/ren providing more than necessary – this includes the following groups.
- Raised in poverty the aim is to ensure that their child does not suffer any hardship
- Divorced parents who attempt to overcompensate
- Insecure parents who try and buy their child’s love and friendship
- Competing with other families
Not all parents in the first 2 categories mentioned above succumb to their child’s demands. When everything a child requests is bought immediately the child’s expectations will increase with little understanding or appreciation of the value of the item. There are children who expect to be ‘rewarded’ each time a parent shops. No, no ,no!! Best outcomes occur when a parent arrives with a small surprise when least expected.
Take care, stay safe, remember that smiling and laughter are good for all of us.