Parenting

Being a Parent -3

The difference between emotions and feelings

Most of us use the terms emotions and feelings interchangeably. There are, however, differences between them. Emotions come first – closely followed by feelings.

Emotions are reactions or sensations in our bodies. They generate physical changes – including changes to our breathing and heart rate. They are intense, brief and instinctive responses to stimuli.

Feelings can be described as the way in which we interpret emotions. They last longer, are more specific and subjective i.e. they are shaped by our thoughts, memories and personal experiences. Feelings are experienced consciously and will certainly vary in intensity.

In the English language the word FEEL is frequently interchanged for both emotions and feelings. Despite the differences, between them, (described above), they are interconnected and work together to shape our experiences. Hence I will be discussing them both together, below, with no strict differentiation. My aim in this post is for parents and their children to be in touch with the gamut of feelings and emotions they experience, to normalize them and share them without any judgement.

Emotional Intelligence (E.I.)

Yes, we have all heard the phrase E.I. This term was created in 1964 and has been defined as an individual’s ability to perceive, express, understand and manage emotions. To elaborate – being aware of all the emotional states one experiences and having the ability to regulate them and use them constructively in thinking, problem solving and behaviour.

In addition, E.I. includes the ability to understand the emotions of others, empathize and communicate effectively.

The importance of expressing feelings

We all experience a gamut of feelings throughout our lives; including both positive and negative feelings. Learning to identify and label our feelings is essential; it aids us to develop self-awareness, assists with building social-emotional skills and resilience.

Repression, denial and long-term suppression of feelings is likely to impact on physical and mental health and will certainly impede relationships. As the emotions, which have not been addressed, accumulate they are likely to explode, sooner or later, often triggered by something minor.

Unfortunately, in some families of origin, parents were unwilling to discuss certain feelings, especially negative emotions eg anger, sadness; these were often perceived as bad. You were told to ‘suck it up’ or to to ‘keep a stiff upper lip’! While these suggestions might decrease the outward expression of the feeling, the inner experience of the emotion will endure, causing pain and impacting on quality of life and ability to relate to others. Counselling can developing awareness and normalizing emotions thereby assisting with healing.

COMMUNICATION

Children lack the language to express how they feel. Parents, and other significant adults, can model healthy emotional responses – talking about feelings openly and regularly will teach children to identify and label their feelings and ‘normalize’ their experiences.

Positive communication is the KEY

NO NO’s

1. You are reluctant to discuss your feelings as you want to protect your child and ensure that your child is always happy. This is unrealistic and will impede the growth and development of your child.

DO – Without providing too much information share your tiredness, sadness and other emotions – ensuring that there is open communication and your child is privy to the fact that adults also experience a range of feelings.

2. Your child tells you they are feeling scared/worried.

Avoid saying – “There is nothing to feel scared/worried about!!!” This is denying your child’s thoughts and feelings and they may start to suppress their feelings in order to please you.

DO – Supportive response – Acknowledge -” I can hear that you are feeling scared/worried – I am here for you.” Comfort them and explore the particular issue if necessary. Sometimes just being heard will suffice.

3. Your child is feeling sad

Avoid this response – “Don’t feel sad, please stop crying”.

DO – Reassure – ” It’s ok to feel sad. Would you like to give me a hug or talk about it?” Sometimes a child needs some time, on their own, to process their feelings – please accept this and don’t insist/pressure your child to share immediately.

TASK – CONSTRUCT A LIST OF FEELINGS At a suitable time invite all the members of your household to sit down together in order to participate actively in this task. The aim is to generate as many feelings as possible. Take turns. One member may choose to write all the feelings identified.

Below are examples of what 2 children wrote. There is limited correcting of spelling – only when requested. I suggest that an adult write the ideas simultaneously, explaining that 2 lists are best as one or more feelings might be missed. The 2 lists are subsequently compared.

EXAMPLE OF A FAMILY FEELING ‘WHEEL’.

I recommend using cardboard for the chosen shape Make some arrows from paper or thin card with a different coloured arrow for each person. These can then be stuck on the wheel with Blu-tack.

All are invited to move their arrow umpteen times a day as their feeling changes. This visual depiction is a wonderful tool for labelling, sharing feelings and developing self-awareness.

Please ensure that the completed clock is placed where it can be most visible seen – it is often placed on a fridge or in a living area where the family spends most of their time together.

If one member of the family/household refuses to participate – please do not abandon the idea as it will be beneficial for everyone who is participating.

Take care, stay safe, remember that smiling and laughter are good for all of us.